Dirty Chopsticks
by Charles Xavier
Summary: Fruits Basket goes Monty Python, with a reenactment of the famous Restaurant sketch!


Disclaimer: 'Fruits Basket' and 'Monty Python' do not belong to me and belong to their rightful owners respectfully.

Author's Note: Just be aware of some slight OOC-ness. Oh, and no flames please!

…

_**Dirty Chopsticks**_

_**By Charles Xavier**_

…

"IRAISHAIMASE!"

Yuki and Tohru were seated down onto their table. Their waiter, Momiji, came to serve them hot green tea.

"Konban wa, Tohru!" Momiji greeted her. "It's so nice to see you two here again!"

"Thanks, Momiji! I can see you're getting taller…is there anything you'd like to suggest for me and Yuki tonight? We're starving."

"I'd suggest tonight's special: the Kobe Beef!"

"Mmm…sounds good." Said Yuki.

"Anywho, have a look, guys! Take your time!" Momiji was just about to leave his guests, until Yuki called him.

"By the way, Momiji." He said. "I seem to have a pair of dirty chopsticks. Could you get me another one?"

"Sorry?"

"My chopsticks are a bit dirty. Could you get me another one, please?"

Yuki handed over the dirty chopsticks to Momiji, who was shocked to see the sight of it.

"Oh, no!"

"It's nothing serious, Momiji. You can get another pair."

"Gomen ne! I do apologize! I will fetch the head waiter immediately!"

"There's no need to do that, Momiji."

"I'm sure the head waiter will want to apologize himself. I will fetch him at once!"

Momiji rushed into the kitchen, leaving Tohru sweat dropping with a sheepish grin on her face.

"Wow…they really look after you…" She chuckled.

Minutes later, Momiji returned, accompanied by Kyo the head waiter.

"Excuse me." Kyo examined the dirty chopsticks in his hands, and started scolding Momiji. "They're filthy, Momiji…find out who washed this up, and throw them into the garbage chute immediately. Better yet, we can't take any chances! Incinerate the entire washing-up staff and feed their remains to the dogs!"

"Kyo, we don't want to make any trouble."

"No trouble, Tohru. I'm glad that you pointed these things out." Kyo yanked Momiji's hair, saying: "Momiji, tell Ritsu what has happened immediately!"

Momiji rushed back into the kitchen.

"We don't want to cause any fuss."

"Please, Tohru. It's no fuss. We take our customers a hundred percent seriously in our restaurant, and I quite simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes with your complete enjoyment of the meal."

"It was only dirty chopsticks." Said Yuki.

"Sure." Kyo sat down with them, twiddling his fingers. "But I'm sorry, bitterly sorry, and I know that…no apologies I can make can alter the fact you have inevitably been given dirty, filthy, smelly, god-forsaken pair of chopsticks…"

"I don't remember it being smelly."

"It was smelly, Yuki! Evil and rotting and I hate it, hate it! Nasty, grubby, dirty, mangy, scrubby, atrocious pair of chopsticks. Why…there wouldn't be enough room in hell for this abomination! Damn it! Damn it for all eternity!"

Kyo left them, bellowing with misery, when the manager came to the table.

"Good evening, Yuki! Good evening, Tohru!" Ritsu greeted them. "I am the manager. I've only just heard about what's happened…may I sit down?"

Ritsu took Kyo's seat, and looked somberly at his guests.

"I want to apologize, humbly, deeply and sincerely about the chopsticks."

"It was only a tiny bit of dirt on it…Tohru and I couldn't see it."

"Ah, you're such generous people for saying that. But I can see it…and it burns…it burns my eyes out in sheer pain!"

"Ritsu…are you all right?"

"Yuki, I can't forgive myself for this! I'm so sorry, but I had never thought that fate would ever bring us to this stage!" Ritsu swallowed a lump down his throat and continued. "Our assistant manager Ayame has been kicked out again, poor Kagura at the cashier can hardly move her poor fingers. Then, there Akito's illness…getting worse day by day…and now this…NOW THIS! WHEREVER DID WE GO WRONG?"

Ritsu broke down bursting into fountains of tears, pounding his fist on the table holding the chopsticks.

"Um, can we get you some water, or maybe some tea?" Tohru asked, sweat dropping again.

"Don't you understand? Soon within time all the chopsticks in the world will be covered in dirt! Nobody will be able to eat their food like they used to ever again! We will forced to get our hands burned the next time we eat in a noodle soup restaurant! Our fresh sushi will be contaminated with infectious germs when we have to pick them up with our filthy hands! Then millions of people will be forced to live in poverty and starvation! And eventually…when there is no more food left, we'll have to convert to cannibalism to survive!"

"I think you're pushing this a bit too far, Ritsu."

"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, YUKI! Even cleaning these chopsticks won't save us now…because sooner or later it'll just get dirtier and dirtier, until the whole thing is consumed by unknown impurities!"

The cook, Akito, stormed out of the kitchen with a goofy chef's hat, scowling in disgust at Yuki and Tohru.

"You bastards!" He shouted. "You ungrateful, little bastards! Look what you've done to Ritsu! This fine man has worked two long days to make this place what it is, and you come in here with your petty bitter complaints and you grind him into the dirt…this young, honorable man, whose sandals you are not worthy to kiss. Oh…it makes me mad…mad…MAAAAAAD!"

Akito raised his sushi knife and slammed it onto the table, making Tohru and Yuki jump in fright. Luckily, Momiji and Kyo came to the rescue to restrain Akito.

"Easy, Akito-san! Easy!" Kyo struggled.

"They're our guests, Akito-san! Please don't kill them!" Momiji cried.

"REPENT! REPENT! IT'S THE END! AAAA!" Ritsu stabbed himself with the chopsticks and collapsed to the floor. "GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD!"

"Ritsu's dead! They killed him!" Akito roared as he was reaching the brink of insanity. "EVERYONE MUST DIE!"

Yuki and Tohru watched them fight endlessly, until they all tumbled over the table unconscious.

"Good thing I didn't say anything about the dirty spoon." Tohru said, sweat dropping once more.

…

_**Owari**_

…


End file.
